8 guidelines for engaging in conversations about difficult topics

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These guidelines are written from personal experience and things I’ve picked up here and there over time— I have yet to properly read a book on how to talk about controversial topics, though I probably should (send me your recommendations!). They’re just notes for myself to refer back to whenever I’m caught in a debate over something contentious, a situation that has occurred more and more frequently in my life since the 2016 election. But those are feelings for another day.

These points are written in the second person as current, calm me addressing future, frustrated me, so the wording and tone will reflect that point of view.

In no particular order:

1. Don’t be condescending. Facts are crucial to a good argument, but waving them in front of someone’s face and insinuating that they’re ignorant is unlikely to convince them to reconsider their opinions. People get defensive when they feel attacked. Even if you don’t think you’re personally attacking them, the way you present your factual evidence can make them feel like you are. I know it feels like coddling, but be mindful of their instinct to act defensively and wall themselves off from you. Once they block you out, it’s very hard to make your voice heard.
2. Also relevant to coddling: be careful with tone policing. Many people have every right to feel angered by whatever they’re talking to you about, and invalidating their feelings will only make them feel even angrier. Be mindful and respectful of their anger. Allow them the time and space they need to express that anger, and if they want to have a calmer discussion after that, carry on. And on that note…
3. …If your main goal in the conversation is to be productive and constructive, try not to let your anger show. Like I said before, you probably have every right to feel angry. But if your end goal is to try and change someone’s mind, screaming/caps lock/personal attacks are unlikely to convince them that you have anything reasonable to say. Again, your anger is justified, and they 100% should respect your thoughts even if they come in an angry tone. But it’s unlikely that they will. In the meantime, if you just want to take some time to feel your anger and express that, feel free to do so, and ignore the people telling you to “calm down and be productive.” You don’t owe them your patience or emotional labor.
4. Find common ground. In most of these conversations, the two sides generally don’t disagree on literally every topic. Use that common ground to gain a foothold wherever possible and to phrase things from the other side’s perspective to help them understand.
5. Assume best intentions. Unless this person is obviously just being an asshole, in most cases people genuinely feel like their beliefs are correct, or that whatever policy they are in support of really is in everyone’s best interest. In cases like these, your disagreement can be seen as an attack on their way of life or the safety of their loved ones, and vice versa. It’s easy to vilify someone as lacking compassion or even just evil, but more likely than not they are a human being like you, with flaws and sensitivities like any other human being.
6. If they don’t understand the terms you’re using or lack knowledge on the context of your position, you don’t owe them an education. Again, you probably shouldn’t get all snooty about it, but expressing the feeling that maybe some crucial context is missing won’t hurt. If they take that the wrong way even after you took pains to not lord their ignorance over them, that’s not your problem. If you have the bandwidth, direct them to any materials you might find helpful. I definitely want to eventually compile a “resources document” full of links to information and discourse on some big issues that frequently come up in my life. I can easily share relevant links from that document once it’s done, which will make this guideline much easier to follow.
7. On the flip side, if the conversation moves into an area where you don’t have much knowledge or experience, don’t weigh in on something you have no place in. If you know someone who does know their stuff or has relevant personal experience, and if that person has the bandwidth and interest to join the conversation, pull them in. If not, simply acknowledge that this isn’t your space and step away. Any points you make in a field you don’t understand have very little weight, especially if they’re in disagreement with someone who does have a lot of personal experience with the topic in question.
8. If you’re tired or busy, walk away. Take care of yourself. Your health comes first, and sometimes even exhausting everything you have won’t get you anywhere. These difficult conversations are obviously important to have if we want to continue to grow and evolve as human beings and as a society, but at some point you have to draw the line. If there are people in your life who are willing and able to pick up where you left off, ask them for help. And if not, take a deep breath, excuse yourself (or not) and walk away.

These guidelines are currently written to be intentionally broad, but I might backfill them with specific examples later on. I hope this helps, future me!

(Oh, and if anyone who happens to be reading this knows what kinds of content warnings I should include at the top, please let me know. I thought about it a bit but wasn’t sure if there was anything specific that needed to be listed.)